The Dorktown Awards

The Fresno Bee and Fresno Famous got to do their Fresno awards, now it's Dorktown's turn.

BEST PLACE TO GET SOME ACTION: SKY HARBOR ROAD
Blessed with its kinda stunning (partial) view of Fresno’s night skyline and the constant feeling that an Indian Ghost might appear from the darkness and attack as you get "jobed", Sky Harbor has been the choice of Fresno Horndogs for years. And now, with the edition of the Table Mountain Casino, it gives a guy an optimal place to ditch his date after he’s gotten his.

MOST ANNOYING AREA OF FRESNO: NORTH EAST
What makes this area of Fresno so annoying? Let me list some of the reasons:

-Highest concentration of “whitey" in Fresno.
-The air of self importance – it stanks.
-Teaming with Soccer Moms in SUV’s with only one child inside.
-Ostentatious churches on every block.
-Street names like Champlain Drive, Brandywine Ave and Tea Party Lane - I crap-you-not that’s a real street name.
-Overflowing with Bay Area and So Cal refugees and Fresno sellouts.
-It’s all Clovis School District even though it’s Fresno. (And hey why the hell is that whole area of Fresno in the Clovis School District anyway?).
-Two words: River Park. Two more words: Dirty Olive.

BEST PLACE TO SCORE A HOOKER: BLACKSTONE AVE - more specifically, the area between Shields and Clinton. It has all kinds of burnt-out-hoes you can take back behind Ghettobertsons [Albertons] and get your dirty little rocks off. Aaaahhh, you've actually DONE THAT? Sick. I was just joking...

BEST PLACE TO SEE A FRESNAN CRY: Fresno Yosemite International Airport at the arrivals waiting area, just outside the metal detectors. You can also play the same Star Wars video game you played there twenty years ago, maybe your high score is still up.

BEST PLACE TO GRIND SOMEONE ON THE DANCE-FLOOR: I have no idea, it’s been too long. It was, the long since closed, SoHo’s in the Tower District. The dance floor was nice and dark and had these little nooks that were just right for classless making-out-on-the-dance floor sessions.

BEST PLACE TO SCORE YOUNG TAIL: Gotta still be Blackbeards. It IS the place for fun, you know...a whole different kind of fun...not that I would go NOW or anything...just sayin’.

BEST PLACE TO SCORE OLD TAIL: Pardinies. Just talk about how much money you made last quarter and how you got a new stereo system for your Mercedes and [in the words of David Lee Roth] “You’ll get some leg tonight for sure!"

BEST PLACE TO GET SOME DRUGS: The Burger King across from the Fairgrounds – this is also the worst place, it rolls like that.

BEST PLACE FOR A NERD TO HANGOUT: Heroes Comics – best comic shop on the West Coast. In this place, geeks are the cool kids and jocks look like nerds.

BIGGEST RIPOFF IN FRESNO: A Matinee at Edwards Theatre. The management sucks [no quality control going on in the theatres], the prices are ridiculous [$7.50 for a movie at two in the afternoon] and you have to wait in long lines to buy five dollar sodas. Did I mention the management sucks?

You can listen to Bells and I discuss these awards in depth and more offensively on Dorktown Podcast 42.