FSU TOP OF THE DRINKING WORLD

Fresno State students are kings of the drinking world. In this week's new USA TODAY Poll, Fresno State finally topped Arizona State as the wettest campus in the country.

"It's about damn time!" said a triumphant Fresno student, Dan Wielder. "I've been getting so piss drunk lately. The past three weeks I have passed out by half time. Last week, I puked on a Boise State player coming out of his locker room. It's a nice feeling knowing all of that hard work has paid off. WE'RE FUCKIN' NUMBER ONE BABY!"

ASU student Greg Ramirez doubts the accuracy of the poll. "We have three hundred and twenty-seven bars in the Tempe area alone. How the hell does podunk Fresno have bigger drunks than us?"